I am who I am

I haven’t blogged in awhile now, there are a few reasons behind this, I’ve been busy with summer activities—working, traveling—my family just took a trip to Hawaii, which I will be blogging about later! Along with events preoccupying my time, I just haven’t felt like blogging.

I’ve been weighed down by stress and sadness. I’ve been upset with situations outside of my control, with things that are on a personal level, and things that are on a worldly level. I've had a hard time letting go of the things I can't control recently. I feel like I’ve been judged because of my past, and because of my vulnerability. I am hurt, and because of this wound, I’ve been afraid to blog about anything in fear of more judgement, and criticism. But I’m done feeling sorry for myself, and being judged, and being a "victim", because of someone else’s need to cause drama, and inflict pain.

There has been so much happening in the world recently! And my mind is trying to come to grips with it all, and my heart aches. I’m done not speaking up for myself and my beliefs. There are so many things that I have opinions on that I have been scared to talk about because they are contrary to the “social norm”. Because what I believe in, isn't "correct" by today's standards. So I’ve decided that I’ll be beginning to really talk about my beliefs and feelings on controversial topics, but in a way that isn’t in your face or judgmental. Just in a way that shares my point of view, and the point of view of others who haven’t spoken up.

What other people do and say, and think is out of my control. So I’ve had to learn to let go, move on, and do what makes me happy and say what I want to say regardless of other people’s opinions. I am entitled to the freedom of speech just the same as anyone else, and if you don’t agree with my point of view, then that’s fine.

I've also had to learn to stop criticizing myself based on what other people say about me, we are our own worst enemies at times. And for me, its easy to pick myself apart and critic everything I am, and everything I've done. When someone else other than myself says mean things about me, I sometimes think they are right, and jump aboard the be mean to Arianna bus. Just as I have come to learn to stop the inner monologue of "your not good enough" and realize that I am good enough, I've had to learn to not give ear to the opinions of others about me, or my beliefs that are untrue. "If it fits, let it sit. If it doesn't apply, let it fly." Is a catchy motto, that makes life simpler.

The song Begging for thread by Banks fits in so well with how I feel right now.

So I got edges that scratch
And sometimes I don't got a filter
But I'm so tired of eating all of my misspoken words
I know my disposition gets confusing
My disproportionate reactions fuse with my eager state

...

I got some dirt on my shoes
My words can come out as a pistol
And I'm no good at aiming
But I can aim it at you

 

I get real, and I get vulnerable when blogging. Yes, sometimes I may overdo it, I’m still learning the balance. But the truth is, I am not sorry for my past, I am not dirty because of my past. My past doesn’t define me, it refines me. Everything I have gone through has shaped me into the person I am at this exact moment. Everything I have gone through has taught me about the atonement of Jesus Christ in a way I never would have witnessed otherwise. My past is messy, my past is hard at times. It’s taken me awhile to figure things out, and to figure out exactly who I want to be, and what I want to live up to. And I’m still learning—and I will continue to learn and to change until the day I die. I’ve made countless mistakes on the journey of finding myself and finding Christ. And if you have a problem with that, then oh well. I am who I am, with all my flaws, all my mistakes, all my stories, all my personality traits, and all my beliefs. That's what makes me beautiful.

It is such a lie that sticks and stones may break my bones, but your words will never hurt me. I would much rather be punched then verbally attacked. A physical injury only hurts for so long, and it begins to heal automatically. But words, words hurt in a different way. They cut deep, they linger for longer, the pain can grow worse before it begins to heal, and sometimes it may not heal for many years.

I am so thankful for the amazing friends and family that love and support me, no matter what I do, or what I’ve done. Who allow me to vent, and to cry to them, and they give me advice and tell me everything will be okay. My parents love me unconditionally, and they are so patient with me. I have learned so much from them, because of their love, I’ve been able to come closer to Christ, and I’ve been better able to understand how I am loved by God and Christ unconditionally and they will always be there to forgive me, help me, and guide me.

It can be so hard to let go of anger, and to forgive people who have really hurt you. It is easy to constantly, and only focus on the mean words and faults of the other person. It is hard to let go, and it is hard to be compassionate and forgiving when you feel like they don’t deserve anything nice from you. Holding onto anger and creating a grudge against someone else doesn’t do you any good. It weighs you down. Holding a grudge doesn’t hurt the other person at all, it only holds your wound open—unable to heal.

Letting go, and forgiving is part of how the atonement of Christ works. By forgiving others, we are able to heal the wounds that they created, because it doesn’t matter anymore. You give the weight of your anger to Christ, and you let go of things you can’t control. You don’t have to like someone, or agree with them, and you don’t have to be friends. But you should accept them, and appreciate them for who they are, and love them as Christloves them.

There will always be people who criticize, who judge, who are mean, who argue with, and belittle you. I choose to not be that person. I choose to let go, to forgive, to be open and accepting to all types of people, to show Christ like love to others. We are all children of God, ALL of us. Those who have committed awful crimes, those who don’t believe in God, and those who do, those who are mean, and those who are nice—they are all children of God. If someone is mean to you, don’t be mean back. If someone argues with you, agree to disagree, and share your point of view in a non-confrontational manner. You should defend yourself, and stand up for yourself and your beliefs, and you should never be a doormat and let people walk all over you, but don’t be mean. There is enough cruelty in the world already, let’s try to be a little kinder to one another.